I have a horoscope for every sign, wanna see?

Scorpio – yes. the alignment of the stars indicates you all will perish tomorrow.

Pisces – You will get the unavoidable urge to eat a whole bag of black licorice against your will.

Aquarius – All your desires will be fulfilled with the hottest person you know.

Libra – You will get pregnant today, despite of gender.

Gemini – You will adopt a fuzzy li’l kitten.

Capricorn – You will transform into your sign (a sea-goat?)

Virgo – You will be raped by Justin Bieber.

Taurus – you win a free cheeseburger. Vegetarian? too bad. you’re eating the damn burger.

Aries – You will grow wings.

Leo – you will gain the ability to read minds.

Aries March 21 – April 19
You’ll find it difficult to point out your assailant in court next week, but that’s mainly because of what he’ll have done to your hands.

Taurus April 20 – May 20
Have the stars told you how wonderful you’ve looked lately? And how great it would be if you could check in on their cats this weekend?

Gemini May 21 – June 21
You’ve always believed women to be your one true weakness, but as it turns out, leaving ground forces exposed to a sudden pincer-style attack is.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
Banking on its growing popularity, Cancer will launch an all-new astrological spin-off starting this fall. Keep an eye out for Cancer: The College Years in weeks to come!

Leo July 23 – August 22
God will shine His divine light on you this week, instantly blinding you with His infinite carelessness.

Virgo August 23 – September 22
You knew eating those hamburgers would come back to haunt you, but it’s still a bit of a surprise when all the floating cows show up.

Libra September 23 – October 23
The bullet will miss your heart by several inches, which only makes sense, as it will be fired at your head.

Scorpio October 24 – November 21
The natives will treat your sudden appearance with a combination of suspicion and awe, but then, they’ve never seen anyone purchase 20 cartons of cigarettes at once.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Be sure to watch your temper, as it’s about to do some pretty amazing things in the days to come.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19
While you’d love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation’s Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Money will soon change your life in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine—especially the $ 5,000 or so you’ll owe to local loan sharks.

Pisces February 19 – March 20
Remember, people like you for who you are: an incredibly insecure person willing to do almost anything for acceptance.